I want to have your abortion
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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