$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
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I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
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I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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