evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
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I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
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Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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