I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
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The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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