So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
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Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
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Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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