if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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