onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
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Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
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As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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