We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
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Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
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How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
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