highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
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You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
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you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
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