Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just invented taco cereal.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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