everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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