i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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