He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
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You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
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I need to wash the frat house off of me
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize