I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize