Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
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I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
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But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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