the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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