so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
We left an ass print on the piano.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
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i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
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I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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