How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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