Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I need a beard to bite.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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