So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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