I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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