Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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