just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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