I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
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we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
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If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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