I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
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Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
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Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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