I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
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If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
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CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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