i think my tv is drunk
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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