He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
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I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
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Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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