Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
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Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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