A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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