My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
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Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
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I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
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