I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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