cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
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Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
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Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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