...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
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She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
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Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize