Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
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