I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
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His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
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Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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