I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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