i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
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