Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
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of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
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you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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