Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
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The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
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