the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i would punch a child for taco bell
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
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I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
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Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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