im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
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As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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