Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
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If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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