a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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