the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
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The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
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somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize