Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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