well I can't set my house on fire every night
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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