the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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