u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
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You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
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My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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