Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
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As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My vagina is officially offended.
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Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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